OK ladies. Start your engines.
After writing this post and naming my horrendous, sluggish, witch-like metabolism Maleficent the Vindictive... I got a big laugh out of Megan when she left this comment:
"I know how you feel! I should name my metabolism...hmm... I think Ferdinand the Bull... Do you remember that cartoon? The bull who just wanted to sit and smell the flowers? No matter what anyone said or did? "
So here's what I'm gonna do. It's dark. It's dreary. My skin is pale and ashen like some vampires we all know and love. I need a laugh. Or four or five. So, leave a comment and name your metabolism. Wally, Big Bertha, Tiny Tim... whatever strikes your fancy. This will enter you in a giveaway for this marvelous Christmas banner made by the ever-talented Jerusalem. The actual banner is a teensy bit more pastel than this picture, a hint more aqua and pink (my camera lost it's mind and I couldn't upload my pictures this morning). Frankly, I'm really conflicted about giving something away that causes me to have to carry around a drool cup.
The judging will be done by my sisters. I will have no say in the matter. So if you want to win... make these cackle-boxes do what they do best... laugh so hard they snot a little. If you don't make them laugh... they'll make this face.
The person that names their metabolism and makes my sisters laugh the most wins. See how cute they are when they laugh? Feel free to upload the contest pic and pass on the good news (if you're feeling generous, if not, keep it to yourself... that's probably what I'd do).
The drawing officially closes Friday at noon, so good luck.
96 comments:
Liz.....good I have some time to come up with a name that will take those two thru snot-shooting-snorting-side-splitting antics.
I am ready...set...now I will start my snippet's mind a thinking.
this might require drinking
Hey....I was first!!
not worst
Okay, so I am going to name mine "Numeroff".
(Laura Joffe Numeroff is the author who wrote If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, If You Give A Pig A Pancake, If You Give A Moose A Muffin ... you get the point.)
I'm going to call mine Cecil (as in Cecil the Turtle who was Bugs Bunny's opponent in the Tortoise Beats Hare) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tortoise_Beats_Hare
wanda...isn't that what the main gals alter ego person was on Fried Green Tomatoes? Wanda did anything she wanted, when she wanted, and didnt give a hoot about anyone around.
Rotunda Rhonda
This is a great idea! ...plus I love that Christmas garland, so it's all good!!!
Ok, my metabolism name......drumroll please..........
LAZY HO! That's right Lazy Ho. She really sucks and takes my energy away. I really want to divorce her, but she keeps coming back. I am trying to kick her a** with my Malibu Pilates.
Lazy Ho also makes me say unkind things....like Ho and a**, so if you will...send her a note and tell her to leave me alone. Thanks girls!
Lulu the Languorous - metabolism just likes to snuggle under the cover of my fat layers and ignore all this exercise and goodie deprivation!
I'd name mine Fat Albert. Because whenever I see brownies or twix or cookies or rolls, yummmm, rolls, my metabolism yells: "HEY HEY HEY!!" in that same growly voice. And oh, of course, despite playing all the sports and games and basketball I want, I still get Fat Albert.
James. Yes, I'm quite sure my metabolism is James.
When I was little (speaking in terms of age and girth), I’d blame everything that went wrong on my brother, James. “Who broke this?” “James.” “Who took the remote control?” James. “Who left the dishes in the sink?” “James.”
“Why is you’re a** so large?” “James.”
It just seems right to keep the blame game alive and well, all these years later.
;-)
My name is simple it is the Sluggish Sloth!! The ole' metabolism used to chug right along and I stayed pretty slim but the closer I get to 50 (YIKES AM I THAT OLD?) it is now Sluggish Sloth!
OKay, I haven't chosen one for me yet, but I would like to cast a vote for Lilly Bart and her Fat Albert metabolism! My sides ache from laughing so hard!
Yellow Dog. If you've ever seen Funny Farm the movie you'll know what I'm talking about. I think even a fire on my tail wouldn't get me to move (or my weight to move for that matter!)
Metabolism? You mean it actually exists and is not a myth we've created to explain away the way my husband can skip lunch and lose five pounds?
I would call my metabolism ... Ricky. As in, "I'm sorry I blew up your mom, Ricky" from the movie Better off Dead.
My metabolism is like Ricky. Just slumping in a chair, letting the other parts of my body (aka Ricky's mom) run its life. No motivation - no need to. Someone else will take care of it!
Hmmm... maybe I need to go blow up Ricky's mom, too ...
gingela5: I love Yellow Dog!
Hi Elizabeth!!
I noticed your status on facebook and then came to your blog..you're seriously cracking me up here!!
How's life in LR going? Hope you and Matt are doing well.. :)
My metabolism would be called...
"Metabo and Company" cause the fat is friends with my metabolism and they don't like to separate!!!
Hahahhaha - OMG! You are so funny.
The name I have for my metabolism is Leisurely Lola, because for the most part its pretty sluggish and moves at it's own pace and desire.
Leisurely Lola :)
Mine is called the M&M's......Menopause induced Malevolence and maliciousness. It has taken my former metabolism hostage and will not let it go back to normal. It no longer allows me to enjoy the true m&m's that I love, nor any other confection of like substance. I might as well just apply it to the thighs........sigh.
Suzanne
thanks for the giveaway, and I GUESS it's good that it's not something to EAT! :0
im going with courtney, as in courtney love, she can be good or she can be really, really bad,and when shes bad she tells me to wear bright red lipstick, but i dont listen, because she doesnt listen to me. hhuummpph i think i will have a brownie now.
and those gals are too cute! i want to see a video of the giveaway selection.
Agatha. It sounds like a name that will inflict torture on someone and it's a complete mystery to me how it got this way!
Typo in my post...should have read, "Why is your a** so large?" Not you’re. My brother (the same one my metabolism is named after) is a copy editor and would plotz if he knew there was a typo in a post that I mentioned him in. In fact, maybe he did psychosomatically know…and intentionally caused said typo as payback. Hmmm…That James. Trouble.
These are the best ever! If I can put on my creative cap long enough, maybe I'll come up with one for myself cause goodness knows, she needs a name!
I don't think I can possible top Lazy Ho- Katy has me rolling. Let's see....oh darn...I am totally at a loss. Can't think of anything. I will come back if I do.
Mine would be Cookie Comatose. as in, you eat that cookie and I'll fall asleep faster than you can swallow it!!
Oh my goodness! I am crying....
I think I will name mine:
"kantsie"
I try so hard to tie my shoelaces straight but I "kantsie" my feet!
And, I "kantsie" the treadmill for the clothes! AND....I "kantsie" why brownies aren't made of diet. (Whatever that is!)
Oh, Lizziness! I'm up for the challenge! I love those snot snorting sisters of yours!!
Okie Dokie!
My metablolism's most precious name is "Ms. Humpabumpalous".
That's because she's so very fat and lazy and walks like this...
humpa (hips to the right)
bumpa (hips to the left)
lous (panting with every breath -
she's just so tired)
She is just so embarrassing with all the stains on her clothing too! She eats everything in sight and sticks so close to me ~ I can't breath.
Please take away my Ms. Humpabumpalous!
Be a sweetie,
Shelia ;)
After I read "Lazy Ho" and recovered from laughing...um, can't really compete with that one. Hilarious.
I think I will name my metabolism quentin tarantino because it is sick and twisted and gleefully evil. :)
Edith the esteem stealer! No matter how much I try and combat her, I never feel as good as I should, and I never look as good as someone else. So Edith it is! Watch out ladies, she will come get your esteem too!
My metabolism should surely be called "I. Scream" because all the ice cream I've ever eaten has made me what I am today. My new BFF is "Brock Colli"...soon I will kick "I. Scream" out of this place!
Sir Eatsalot from Lazybuttville
Ooooo I might get in trouble... but I have to go with Roseanne, as in Barr...
She always has to have her own way and she's so bleepin' cantankerous!
I can even hear her nasally voice in my head going "But I waaaaaaanna brownie", "But I don't waaaaaaanna get on the treadmill" (just have to keep the voice from putting Dan at the end of each sentence)
Cute giveaway!
I am naming mine Napoleon Blownaparte (as in Bonaparte) Because I can't seem to defeat it and every time I go to sit down it feels like my pants are going to be "blown apart".
I'd name mine "Prius" because it is so durn energy efficient! If they were to make an automobile motor based on my metablolism, they'd make a bloody fortune as it would be super energy efficient - about 60mpg or more. I tell people that yes, ONE DAY I WILL fit into my wedding dress - approximately 6 weeks AFTER the funeral...
Okay my metabolism I am going to have to name "The tortois and the Hare". I will name it this because I am a go getter and love the productivity of knocking things off my list..(Can't you hear the *&WHAM*&% 8*&BAM%&^&!(...cartoon talk for Wham Bam) I get all reared up to get moving. The Hare part, because reality (The HARE..aka my life/4kids/etc.) hits and smacks me down and I am exhuasted! Taking nap with the baby..being a grouch getting the kids on the bus.
We are split personality here in Becky's Metabolism:)
My metabolism's name is Teensy (better known in some circles as Grandma Teensy). She wears the name proudly, all 357 pounds of her.
Can I just say that yo and your sisters are three of the most beautiful women I've ever seen?
As far as my metabolisim, I can't name it because it's mostly dead.
I would say maybe Dovie...I have a weakness for Dove Chocolates. They sure don't help my lack of a metabolism any!
Thank you so much for your wonderful comment!!! I love your blog- my mom introduced me to it and i haven't stopped reading it since!! And the fact that you talked about a "vampire we all love".... well that made my day!!! thanks for stopping by!
xoxo-ak-xoxo
I'm calling mine Minipaws. Unfortunately, Minipaws has invited her sister, Minipot to join her. Minipaws and Minipot sneaked into my room one night, and had a hayday in my lingerie draw. One by one they turned all of my lace thongs into granny panties.
"the hulk."
sometimes also known as "the beast."
they're interchangeable really. and hated too.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my blog. Your contest is hilarious. I don't have a great name for my metabolism...because mine is dead, adios, no longer amoung the living...but no sympathies please...its been dead a LONG time!
Sadly I thy metabolism is the opposite of yours so I'd probably name it something like "Fast Freddie"
Name my metabolism? Seriously? Are ya tryin' to make me lose my mind? My metabolism doesn't work. Not sure when it gave up, but I am venturing to guess that it happened around the birth of my third child. My metabolism is so slow that it can't get out of it's own way - kinda like a Chevy Aveo, but it's a wee bit older - like the Ford Festiva.Or perhaps the problem is that my metabolism just likes to sit around and do nothing (kinda like my brother-in-law) it may very well be waiting for a handout, like unemployment or public aid. But, given my age and my random acts of combustion and the hormonal issues I've been dealing with perhaps I should call it "hare" like the tortoise and the hare. A bit confused and sporadic. But, when you really think about it, my metabolism is MISSING. It's left, disappeared, gone bon voyage, very much like my sanity. So, when you think about the "hair" issues and the disappearance and the fact that my metabolism is essential nuts, let's just call it "Harry Houdini" .
So, now that the image you have of me is a hairy, fat, crazy woman who randomly bursts into flames - I think my job here is done.
Hmm such a hard thing to do! but my metabolism is Fatty Laggard because I swear it really is full of fat and lags behind!
Love,love this post and everybody's comments!!
I would have to say that my metabolism is named Dolores Umbridge after the nasty, toad-like professor from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix!
I would have to call mine Sybil..because it's all over the map. Most days you can't stop me, but others you could kick me to the curb.
Laughing yet??
Let's see...mine could be called
Hateful N. Hideous. Ms. Hideous likes to dump the fat straight to my bottom half thus leaving me with some serious thunder thighs.
I suppose it would be too simplistic to just call it what it is: Eyore after smoking a joint.
Slow, depressed, munchie and whiny.
:)
I've named mine Fatabutticus....yep, 'cause when I see my fatt butt, I CUSS....Fatabutticus.....
It's hard to name something that has been gone for so long I barely remember having it!
Janet
I had read your post earlier and wanted to comment...I loved the beautiful Christmas garland, your witty entry, great photos, etc...BUT I didn't have a clever response...thanks for encouraging me to respond earlier...I still don't have a great metabolism name, but if my metabolism did have a name it would surely be my "Chocolatey Temptress!" "See those cookies, cakes, and candy? You want to eat them don't you...just go for it...I won't tell anyone until I show up on your hips!"
Have fun with the giveaway, and tell your metabolism to settle down already...we all deserve to eat the chocolate!!! :-)
LOL!! This is GREAT! Kantsi and Fatebuttacus(i think that was it)! I like those.
I'm glad I made you laugh! That makes my dat!
On second thought, after stepping on the scale first thing this morning, I'd like to re-name my metabolism "Cruella De Vil" it's really the one and only name that can adequately describe such a monster!
I've named my metabolism "VERA THE VENGEFUL" because my metabolism seems to hate me with a vengeance and because it doesn't seem to matter how good I try to be, those extra pounds on my a** only multiple with a vengeance every hour. And when sit down to dinner only taking a 1/2 portion with regret knowing even that is just going to take up residence on my aforementioned a** [and never leave my body again] then proceed to watch my husband scarf down a triple portion of the meal only to LOSE 10 pounds [dinner, plus the 4 other meals he's already consumed that day] while walking up the stairs to our bathroom...I begin to feel Vera's vengeance rise up within me [one in the same] and I find myself locked in an internal battle...should I kill Vera for what she's done to my ability to fit into a single digit clothing size or should I kill my husband and steal his metabolism which clearly should be named "Overworking Oliver"!!!!!!!!
Ms. Memory Foam.
Plump.
Soft.
Receptive (to food).
Just lays there.
Can squeeze it in, but bounces back to fluff-form.
Freakishly heavy.
Won't let you move, because it is so darn evil in its lazy allure.
Frau Hildegard.
She's a nasty German woman, 54-ish years old, who wears a smock apron and carries a rolling pin. And she's angry. And her hair is up in a terse little topknot.
And you know what's the worst? She uses that rolling pin to apply layer after layer of doughy insulation to my hinie. She dips her finger in a little bowl of water, moistening the edges of the white, lard-filled pastry, to ensure a tight seal.
Mine is the anti - Sizzle, AKA Fizzle.
I hit my thirties and DAMN it's much harder to drop pounds.
Mine will herefore be referred to as "Newman"...as in the character from Seinfeld who is the pudgy evil nemesis...and every time my ever widening butt won't fit into my pants/skirts/dresses (I now hate getting dressed), I'll just glare at it in the mirror with pure hatred and in disgust mutter "Hellooo, Newman." *sigh*
Name of my metabolism:
Blogger Butt Is Me
I love Jerusalem's things, she is so very talented...and aqua, come on, now you're talking my language! ;)
Thanks!
Bella
Rita Incognita is what i call my mine. She's been gone along time and i wouldn't recognize her if she did come back!!
Mine is "Nullie"...as in null, zero, zip...get the picture! LOL.
Ok lady, I have to go with: SPEEDY GONZALIS with a bit of the Fried Green Tomatoes lady "Tawanda" tossed in...
Thus becoming..."Tawanda Gonalis"
Now you see why I named my blog...Sit A Spell, I'm telling myself what to do!!!
My metabolism is like the Domino's Delivery Man.....it moves fast, doesn't know where it's going and pizza goes right to the ass....
My metabolism came to a stop when I turned 40 and my body has been developing ever since. :(
Arrest & Development
That is so funny... I, too have this weird mental habit of assigning crazy names to things animate or inanimate. My met name? Pudgy McPudgerson. (aka jhschaal@msn.com)
Don't know how your sisters are going to choose. There are so many funny ones.
Moto Moto (after the new hippo in Madagascar2) - his song is "I like 'em chunky, plumpy" - yup that's me!
awesome! i will name my sluggish metabolism after my evil twin, denise. remember evil twins from shows like "i dream of jeannie" and "bewitched" or am i showing my age? anyway, my evil twin is denise and she is the culprit of my slowing metabolism. but good will prevail (if i could only stay away from panera) xo elyse (the nice twin)
How about Suzy Slug. I wish it truly were Suzy Homemaker, and I do try [sigh] but Suzy Slug probably sums it up best!
Love your blog, by the way. Thanks for stopping by mine!
Mine is going to be called The Cute Lilipute. (as in Lilliputian) b/c it is so small that sometimes I forget to eat... and then I crash and it's this crazy but not cute cycle.
Dang. How can you top Lazy Ho and Cantsie?
My metabolism is hereby christened~
Welfare Mama.
'Cause she don't work.
(NO offense to those who might be)
So I am going to have to name mine Wanda Wanita Chickataw. If for no other reason than I was a chunky kid (I have photos to prove it) and this was (and oh how I wish I was joking) what I wanted my name legally changed to for the first several years of my life.
Well first of all my metabolism is a MAN...no woman would EVER do this to another woman. And there is a little known fact, your doctor forgets to mention, after you give birth to your child, your metabolism exits your body right after it!!!!!
However, what is left of HIM, I shall name Sir Kicksmeinthepants, from the tribe of Eatsalot o' Chocolatans, and lives in Cellulitosville...ever been there before!?!?
Mine is Little Ceasar. Part tyrant, part psycho. Yep, Little Ceasar.
Well, I meant to spell it the right way, Little Caesar. See I told you, psycho!
Snap, for the shear fact that I am currently breastfeeding, my metabolism is actually in full-gear... for that I'm going to name mine "Merrily a Mammal".. wait a few months and it may be "Shrunken and Flunken". If your sister breastfed Elizabeth, she will full on know what I'm talking about, and if you have seen her ladies post-baby, you will too (how's that for encouragement to wait?!).
My metabolism has an Indian name....roughly translated it means this..."used-to-run-like-the-wind-BUT AFTER CHILDREN-her-rubbing-thighs-and-rock-in-a-sock-boobs-slow-her-down"....it's not that I eat more now, I just don't process it as quickly (or at all sometimes).
Mine would have to be Reginald the Slothful. Reginald was spry and lithe in his glory days, but too many a muffin and cake has graced his table. He has slowed to a grandfatherly pace, and his regal name no longer suits him.
Liz,
My metabolism has been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, and so has three names to match each appearance of evil.
BubbleButt Beelzebub comes calling in the grocery store when I have my cart loaded with veggies...
Other times, ThunderThighed Thelma rears her ugly head. Instead of going for a run, a walk, or even doing a bit of gardening or housecleaning, Thelma convinces me to open another bag of chips and watch just one more episode of Friends.
But most of all, my constant companion these days is Paunchus Pilate, the despotic ruler of my body held in captivity. Paunchus Pilate-- no, not plate, P-I-Late-- greets me in the morning, sits next to me at work, and every time I look into the mirror, I realize that I have inherited my grandma Betty Kay's gut--her paunch.
Like his historical namesake, my Paunchus Pilate often folds under pressure, in group situations, or whenever there is a cookie, candy bar, chips... in sight.
For further explanation, I ended up writing a post about this... how sad am I? http://irishamy.blogspot.com/2008/11/identifying-evil-within.html
Hi Liz,
I would have to say that my metabolism is more like a James Bond villain. Maybe I'll call her "Lotta Retention" (as in water and fat!). Hope your sisters pick me!! I would love that banner. Too cute!
Oh well, Liz, I had asked in my comments on the next post, to put me in the drawing for the banner...but now that I have read the rules AND the comments from the others here, I don't think I can out do Lazy Ho! So will pass time time! BTW ... I vote for Lazy Ho!
Liz....I have only come up with "Dwadling Doris" or "Dee-Dee" for short...but after reading "Lazy Ho".....
any chance of my winning? "Ho NO!"
I may never recover from the Lazy Ho!! I think I peed in my pants.
Mine's gotta be SLOWPOKE SALLY!
How fun is this! I've been giggling out loud at all the comments. My metabolism is Mrs. Biggabottom...said in my best Tim Conway voice. I know you're probably to young to know the old Carol Burnett shows but there was a funny character on there named Mrs. Wiggnebotham? who had the funniest big bootie and could certainly swing it. LOL
My metabolism is called WTF?! That's right,WTF?. Ever since I turned 28 or so, it yells WTF? anytime I try to train it. And of course my response right back is WTF?
I guess it's a cycle of sorts. WT... You get the point.
Sleepy Gonzales (not speedy g.)
Oh dear, my name is Slow Susan the Slug. My metabolism has slowed down dramatically - as has my blood pressure.
Susan
http://www.raisin-toast.com
This is not something I am proud of but...I have just finished nursing baby # 3 and I am afraid I am morphing into Nacho Libre! Not funny though...if I stick out my ponch and assume the position the similarities are undeniable. Put me in some stretchy pants and I'm NACHO average Momma.
www.snickerdoodles.typepad.com
Just in the knick of time!
Oh my gosh, I can't believe I found someone possible MORE obsessed with Twilight than me. Maybe? I bought my tickets online. That way I would be tempted to scream and yell like the 13 year-olds inline. Afterall, I am more than twice their age.
And, as someone who is more-than-twice-thirteen, I'd like to name my metabolism:
Bara Lee Dare
Me and Bara Lee used to be good friends. When I was a gymnast I couldn't keep up with her. Then, to punish me she went on strike during my pregnancies. And now I have to trick her to make her work at all.
Lazy girl.
I'm sorry I missed this but I truly enjoyed scanning through these great responses. This was fun!
Right now I'd say I'm the Energizer Bunny as I'm down 26 pounds so far! I did break down and have a Pepperming Patti today. I was in dire need of chocolate...
How did I forget to comment on this. This amazing. So cute. This might make up for the fact that I never got to making the birthday banner for my birthday girl this week.
Slowpoke Sally : )
I'll call mine Large Marge. Remember PeeWee's Big Adventure? "Just tell 'em Large Marge sent ya!" Remember the face she made? You would remember if you had seen it... It was a night.... just like tonight... when...
p.s. where the heck do all of your faithful readers come from? You are the bomb when it comes to comments. Lucky dawg. ;^P
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